2016 called, it wants its feminism back

on Blue Origin's #girlboss redux

I debated whether or not to wade into the Blue Origin all-female space trip discourse, but, today, after hearing Gayle King say “anybody that’s criticizing it doesn’t really understand what’s happening here” — I knew, with all due respect, I had to have a word.

Look, putting aside yet another absurdly tone-deaf stop in the unending embarrassment that is Katy Perry’s 2024-2025 Clawing Back Relevance tour, can we all admit that there were ostensibly smart women on that dickship who should’ve known better than to associate themselves with this cheap farce of a feminist crusade, let alone chortle along to “putting the ass in astronaut”?

The fact that one of these ostensibly smart women is now trying to blame sexism for why people were less than thrilled that a bunch of obscenely wealthy one percenters tried to convince the 99 percent of us living in the current hell of American Earth that their overhyped 11-minute mission to not Mars was important to any feminist cause is not only out of touch, it’s frankly gross.

King was miffed by the public response, specifically pissed that people called the “sexy” designer-clad space stunt a “ride,” which is something she claims we would never say about male astronauts.

I’ve done too much harm rolling my irises back into my skull to break down exactly why this argument is trash, but mostly I just want to point out how unnecessary all this hollow outrage in the name women’s liberation really is.

Because, truly, it didn’t have to be this way. These women are rich and they like rich shit — like joy rides to space. Full stop. Why did we have to bring retro FEMPOWERMENT into it? Just go on a rocket trip with your buds! Instead, the entire odyssey smacked so hard of contrived 2016 #girlboss ELLEvation I’m surprised they didn’t accessorize with pink pussy space helmets. And this isn’t even getting into the gaudy Kardashiad throwback of it all! Kris Jenner, who attended the event in person, called the middle-aged voyagers, “brave girls.” Meanwhile, Kim K gifted Lauren Sanchez a $7,000 spaceship purse to commemorate her courage.

Whether you’re a wealthy woman “taking up space” or ”taking a seat at the table” or whatever #bossbitch tagline we’re using to describe nonsense that is not progress, these journeyers learned the hard way that their older-timey Lean In feminism no longer plays, that being an empowered rich lady just doesn’t hit in the same way it did in the Obama days when we could afford eggs and those with not-rich uteruses could get abortions in any state.

And, let’s be honest, this trek was never about gender equality, it was — as is almost everything right now in this country — about class domination. It wasn’t a “triumph of feminism,” but a masturbatory display of gross wealth. Bezos could end world hunger 400 times over and still be what any normal person would consider rich, but instead he’s outfitting his lover and her friends in sexy suits so they can barely glimpse the Milky Way.

While these women claim their motivation was to model female bravery and inspire young (rich?) girls, the Occam’s Razor for why this GAL-axy expedition ever occurred is actually much more simple: a bunch of affluent ladies who can afford to travel to space thought it would be cool to travel to space and dress up in custom cosmonaut cosplay. Maybe they were hanging out on one of Bezos’s islands one afternoon, sipping a ‘45 Cote de Nuits and someone was like,

“You know what would be fun?”

And another person said: “Never paying our taxes?”

While another chimed in: “Buying an election?”

And Lauren Sánchez was like: “Watching hundreds of Amazon employees work until they piss themselves so Jeff can buy me a new face made of diamonds?”

And someone else laughed and said, “No hahaha, I think we should get glammed up in spacesuits, borrow JB’s ship and chill in zero gravity!”

Then, in unison, they all screamed: “GIRLS’ TRIP!!!!”

I know. It’s easy to slip into actual misogyny here — and some of the criticism of Perry et al is for sure not only teetering right at the brink, but falling far off the woman-hating cliff. And this is yet another reason why the entire Space Barbie spectacle sucks. There’s a world in which the Blue Origin flight was in fact a meaningful mission with smart and serious people involved (and some, even on this particular ship, were!), an opportunity to showcase real science and women in STEM, to educate the public and actually inspire us about what more accessible space travel can do to improve our lives on Earth.

However, by placing the emphasis of their history-making ride not on science or research or, you know, real astronauts, but instead on celebrity and flattering designer outfits and looking “glam,” by appearing silly and materialistic and vain, the Blue Origin women did more to hurt than help womankind, ie their so-called intended cause.

But at least they looked good in the pics?